the pain.
The pain is terrible. It is utterly undesirable and just completely exhausting in every way. It is multi-dimensional, and stabs me in ever dimension and direction it can find. It’s here everyday. I find myself wondering sometimes how I even bear it. And the truth is, I can’t. But the other truth, I could relieve myself of it. But I choose not to because at the same time, this is the same pain that every other romantic, wisher, widower, virgin, soldier, drunk, human being wants and needs.
This love is a tsunami of turning tables. It has completely ripped me apart and demanded that I give up my fleshy organs for all the fights, all of the terrible decisions, the regret, the perpetuating sadness, and most importantly, an apology that I owe him that will never be enough.
Of course, he is not always fair to me. Sometimes I feel like he acts completely selfishly and wants to cause me pain just for the sake of making me feel the regret twice over. And at other times, I feel like he is unable to let go of all of the pain simply because he doesn’t want to. But I feel it just as much, and possibly more, because I know it was all my fault.
This what nothing like what I imagined, not even my imagination at its most pessimistic. I never knew the pain would be like this, never thought the fights would be that bad. I never knew we would care about each other this much. I never imagined that I would be a part of such an intensity.
There is so much pain, and I am just so tired of fighting it. I am so tired. I could very well be beginning a new life in two weeks, without the pain. The pain is full of an emotion much stronger than unhappiness, it is more like a sweltering despair for hope, and at the time, it is a desperate cry for anything, a tiny flake of faith for us cling to, and the hope that it will support us both. And the tears, they never stop. This pain could kill.
This is pain is what I live for. It is the evidence that his love runs deep, that I am a real person with dynamic emotions, and that I can love to the seemingly very edge of my demise. The pain will lessen with time, but it will never go away. A slightly slipped word, a scrap of the past stuck to my shoe, the trees on April Bloom Lane, it’s everywhere. The deep chasm in our hearts would never be there though, unless we’ve overused our hearts to the point of overcapacity. Perhaps, one day, our hearts will heal to accomodate it all, pain and everything. For now, to be with him by any terms is enough.
And oh, how I will miss him. I guess I won’t even know pain until then. I fear I won’t be able to stand it. I’m still not that woman of steel yet, not while my heart’s this soft.
