blasphemy

sometimes

I get this fear inside me which comes from the thought that nothing last forever. We may be teengaers, but our feelings are ever constant, if not, even magnified by the brevity of our lives. I understand that life is about taking risks, but I’ve always been scared on the inside. Would I give it my all? And could I trust myself with the responsibility of such an option? Last night, I had a sudden vision of a scene, in which we were parting as I bounded up North. Even imagining such an emotion was painful. I can’t imagine leaving you. But I also can’t picture a relationship where I’d never see you. Most of all, I don’t trust myself, and as terrible as it is, I don’t even trust you. We are young, and a year is forever to us. Who knows what happens in a year? Who we may meet? The temptations that may rise? Of course, this is all premature, but I couldn’t help but cruelly entertain myself with thoughts of the future. I’m too cautious. I’ve never had such doubts before. Probably because I’ve never cared so much about making something last before. I don’t know if all my will is enough to go against the will of the universe. Absence makes the heart grower fonder, but it also outs a little more hurt on it. And it’s not even you. It’s the fact that I don’t trust myself, nor my judgements, nor my actions. I don’t know the feelings that I have now, nor their longevity, nor the nature of my feelings to come. But I will know when it is love. It will be when I can entrust you with my heart, without worry, because I know you need it more than I do; when I too hold yours.